Speak so others want to listen.

So lets get a little personal.

I miss having a best friend. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to whole-heartedly call anyone my best friend. And that really hurts. I know that people change and people grow apart, that’s a part of life. But I’ve been through that so many times with so many people, and my heart can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to call anyone my best friend anymore because I don’t want to go through the pain of losing or drifting away from another one. I just don’t want to deal with that anymore.

But, I wish I had a best friend. Someone I could openly and honestly talk with, get my nails done with, eat out with, go on adventures with, and do girly things with. I don’t anymore. And it sucks. Cos I wish I had that opportunity still. 

I have girl friends that I think I can rely on. I have a lot of people I was friends with in high school, but don’t keep up with. But, when I have a free day…. I don’t have anyone I can text and know without a doubt, they’re down to hang out. 

I’m lonely. In all honesty. I’m really, really lonely. And I don’t have many people I can turn to anymore. I virtually don’t have anyone anymore. And it hurts. Because I am constantly thinking “What happened? Why are we not friends anymore? Why am I not good enough to be so-and-so’s best friend anymore?” I really ask myself every day these questions.

I am so tired of being the one to always put effort… After putting in effort and making time, and being denied or flaked on, it fucking sucks and I give up. I cannot keep opening myself up and clearing my schedule for anyone who doesn’t appreciate it. Wasting my time and effort is a complete display of DISRESPECT, and I won’t deal with it.

Maybe I’m just tired and over loaded from work and school and personal things… Or maybe my mind has told me it’s time to write it out. I’m sure no one will read this, no one will care. And that hurts, too. 

I just want to feel like I can depend on someone. And someone can depend on me.